Chapter 12

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Immigration is a big issue circa this year, 2011.
As usual, the conversation divides to two sides:

One side says "Would you please just put up a wall and a doorway like every other country does, and find out whether these people are criminals or terrorists before we let them in? And maybe not let them in if they're criminals or terrorists?"

The other side says "YOU A RACIST !! Everyone should be free to go anywhere they want. A human being can't be illegal"

It's a hard choice between these two approaches, but if we want to survive, Choice A might work better.
If you'd like to live in a community of criminals and terrorists, choose B.


But this is not why I'm here today. I'm here to help all of our welcome new immigrant guests and hopefully soon to be parts of the family.*

If you want to be prosperous and successful, which you may not, but if you do, here's one of the first things that you need to do. You need to get real good at speaking English.

Do you want to hold on to your culture? Groovy, hold on. But you need to get real good at speaking English, and I mean real good, with sufficicient but not overbearing loudness, vowels that are clearly distinguishable from one another, and sharp, clean consonants.

If you open you mouth and "neonnnunhhhiuuuuuaaa" comes out -- in the first place you sound like some poor mentally damaged person who will not be taken seriously, and in the second place you're making the listener do extra work to have to decipher what you're saying, and for some of us it's not worth the effort. Some people are very good at hearing a cloud of muffled sound and somehow extracting meaning from it, but I am not. Consequently, I will never hire a person who can't speak clearly, because if I can't make out what he's saying, some of the customers won't be able to either, and that would be impolite on my company's part.

Even among native Americans, people with clear, articulate voices at comfortably audible loudness levels have an advantage. Just look back at your own experience. Remember how you are more favorably impressed by people who speak well?

You can do this. Just practice. You can do it.


Oh, and when I get a badly written response from a Craigslist ad, that person doesn't get a response from me until all the other respondents get a shot at me first.

What is a badly written response? That would be incorrect capitalization, haphazard spelling, obscure abbreviations, evidence of attitude, those kinds of things. It's an issue of good manners and bad manners. If I have to tell you that, you don't get to do business with me.


Oh, and I think I'm pretty good at distinguishing struggling foreigners' writing from that of American Idiots. Struggling foreigners actually move up on the list because I admire them, coming over to big scary America to take their shot at the pot of gold.

God bless them.


* Except Puerto Ricans, most of whom hate Americans.
No they're not. They don't want to be.